velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Hello Twits.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast