[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
constantly working on myself.