Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?