Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
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A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Thursday
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.