Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’m giving up for Lent.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.