People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?