The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Ferrari squats
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
For those that worship cheese..
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood