[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
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“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.