I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
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My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Worst bar ever.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women