‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
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[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Animal poetry
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner