Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
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Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
i wish i could marry a nap
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.