Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight