how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
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Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.