Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I know karate and tons of other words.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.