Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
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Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.