My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes