Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
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Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Meanwhile in Canada…
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.