ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
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a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”