First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
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Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
79.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…