Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG