I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
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Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.