if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
You Might Also Like
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?