My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
You Might Also Like
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
New favorite tiktok
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
This January has 47 Mondays
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Meanwhile in Canada…
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable