I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
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FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Mmmm. Shoeshi