I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
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3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Jurassic park gets weird
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it