My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
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Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.