Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
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Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.