Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
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you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
*frowns in Scottish*
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Spring cleaning checklist…
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*