*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Great acting.. 😂
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.