Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
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I think they could have phrased this better
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
spicy snake
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica