RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe