H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider