I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
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You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
hi why am I like this
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?