My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.