Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out