I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Deer are just ballerina dogs
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Seems kinda suspicious
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body