One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
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The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!