“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
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Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house