Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
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We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.