Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Carpe DM
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015