In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating