My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs