Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent