Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
What if the weather talks about us?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.