When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
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It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.