My new favorite headline
You Might Also Like
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING