(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
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DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.