My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Venn
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.