My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
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me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
This is sending me to another galaxy
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense