i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
You Might Also Like
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Hot Panini is in big trouble